These last few days have been difficult for me. I have spent this week recovering from a "work" weekend, where I was pulled away from all things TNT-LLS-related, and spent three entire days working on "career"- and "work"-work. For the last few days, I have felt like a spinning top knocked off balance by a careless bump to the tabletop I have been spinning on. I have found myself dangerously close to the edge of my abilities, peering helplessly over the edge, hoping that there is enough momentum left in my wobble to bringing me back toward center.
Close to this edge, I have had a moment to see "the forest from the trees" - I have planned a lot of events for the upcoming weeks. Kick-off to our busy calendar is our Cookies for a Cure bake sale and Flex Your {Heart} Muscle events, taking place this weekend. We follow-up with a second Flex Your {Heart} Muscle event next Wednesday and culminate with our multi-locational event Write Thru the Night: where we will be hosting events at geeTEAM headquarters, virtually, and through satellite events hosted by our family, friends & fans. I am close to a panic-attack thinking about how I have backed myself into a way-to-busy corner.
I consider why I have done this to myself: why have I given myself far too much to do? Why would anyone want to do this much work? Is my investment worthwhile? Will anyone even show up?? I work full-time, I am a student part-time, I am researching graduate schools and career development, I am training for a marathon, I am trying to raise $5,000 for LLS ... I have friends and family that depend on me ... I have to eat, I have to sleep, I have to relax ... How do I expect to do all of this and be a success?
I would be lying if I said that I have not shed a tear or more over the exasperation I feel thinking about my commitments that I have and continue to accumulate. I would be lying if I said that I did not believe that my forest was much too large, filled with too many trees. At this point, I wish my commitments were a backyard orchard, not this multi-acre arboretum that I have cultivated. I am ashamed to say, there was a moment when I wanted nothing more than to give up and walk away from it all.
And then there comes perspective. Poached eggs and bacon, bitter coffee, a lecture, an email, and then a well-timed quote:
"Doing your best means never stop trying." -- Unknown
I am doing my very best to meet the challenge: I want to make my sincerest effort to battle the devastation that blood cancers have on those affected. I am raising awareness and funds for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. And I have thrown myself in 156% to the (mostly uphill) battle. I created this effort to involve my Donors. I have created these events to involve my family, friends and fans. It is easy to get discouraged when you feel so strongly about something, when you identify your effort as a piece of yourself - C.U.M.F.O.R.T.S. blanket has become an appendage growing from my heart. And there are times when I reach out that arm to shake hands with those that are closest to me - by offering these events and other opportunities to participate with me - only to have the invitation declined and the hand brushed away. My heart is sore from the rejection.
But I cannot give up. Because I am doing this for Matt. I am doing this for Rob. I am doing this for those who need me. I do my best. I continue to do my best. My best today might not be my best yesterday, or tomorrow. But it is always my best. So, instead of holding out my arm for a handshake, I sit patiently and hold up my fingers in an offering of "peace." I hope that those who see my unflagging efforts will come and join me for a morning, afternoon, evening, hour, moment - so that I can share my inspiration and ask them to join me in holding up a sign of "peace" within this forest.
Yesterday, because I could not find the energy to do anything else, I crocheted Donor Medallions for PROJECT MATT and PROJECT ROB. I am proud to say that we have completed 50 Medallions for Matt's blanket. I am proud that we are 50% of the way to a complete blanket for our first Honoree. I am proud that even on my worst day, I can find inspiration in Matt's battle to not give up.
I look forward to the upcoming events, and hope to see you all there! Thank you for the continued support, I could not do it without you. All my love!
stay tuned!
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